So much has gone on in my life and in our Catholic Family Circus since March 2013. So much that it has become clear throughout this year of chaos theme. I find now some clarity in my family chaos, some not so good and some have become a welcome blessing.
My dear Sweetie was laid off from his job in May 2013, and with that chaos has come lots of little hurdles, financial and also day in and day out survival modes that I wish on no one. As I know I don't have many fans on here in the blogger world, I see those on the Catholic and Christian circle of bloggers have the time to blog and share their family journey with such elegance and sometimes how it seems with no great effort. I am amazed at their talents and their charisma however form and way they get to write and express their family life and missions.
As I was trying to be more transparent in my journey especially in blogging, I realized I didn't want to write out this part of my family history. I couldn't be fulfilling or evangelizing the faith to anyone at a time that I felt so lost. Too much pain and sadness and also lost of hope at a time where my entire family and I felt attacked. I have retreated into a small turtle shell and reflected on those things that were very important, the God given graces that I had in front of me that were my blessings are what I have been hanging on these past few months.
As my husband is still unemployed, I try to find a balance in being a good wife, a mother to my five children, the housekeeper and also the nurturer, I have been mentally drained and exhausted. At one point in the past few months I have seriously wanted to give up on everything and everyone around me, since nothing was making anyone happy. I have become depressed from this stress in life without realizing it. As I started to say in my head through prayers... "Hang on, just hang on!"
And I finally realized in the past month of September, happiness lies within each individual. It's not the job of one person to give someone happiness. The happiest people on earth don't have many material things, they are just graced with LOVE! So in a very holy experience for me, this challenge in life, has become an epiphany of many things as a mother. That even though I am responsible for their little lives and also being a good wife, I can't be responsible for those things I can't control within each of my children and my husband. Such a balancing act that it can make any mother exhausted. It makes sense just like an egghead equation in calculus class in college, it finally makes sense.All this chaos has become clarity!
For my husband's 40th birthday this year in June we decided to go to Sanibel Island, which is 2 hours from my home. I was going to cancel the entire surprise birthday trip, when my mother in law, my husband's mother, told me not to, that she would pay for the entire trip that week since she would be joining us and looking forward to being with us. At this point in my life, I didn't have the chance to be prideful, but thankful and so beyond touched at her example of her motherly generosity.
As we enjoyed our time quietly at the beach each morning, I prayed for our family. I prayed that God would continue to grace me with strength to endure the coming days. It hasn't been easy... but I am getting to understand the things that God wants us to understand and learn from, it's not my time, it's God's time, and He will answer my prayers when He feels that I have earned them. So many tests as human beings and I finally get it when a trial in life happens.
The picture above was taken at early sunrise off Lighthouse Point in Sanibel Island, Florida. As I was walking a large distance from the family that morning, I realized that I could find some solitude in praying and looking through my lens for grace and beauty made by God. I saw 5 little Ibis' birds standing and grazing against the beautiful warm water, and the sun reflecting off their white feathers. The feathers reminded me of the beauty of angels, and the water's warmth the love that emits off the Holy Spirit. The water being a rebirth, a baptism of the soul. How beautiful an image I thought, and I started clicking away at this magnificent beautiful God made masterpiece. 5 little ibis birds representing the nurturing of my 5 lil' rascals.
The rebirth of that morning was a turning point, but it hasn't been easy. It's been 5 1/2 months since my Dennis has been unemployed. I am afraid. Afraid of the outcome. Afraid of the enemy. But it's with trusting the Lord that has been my cure in my fears. Trust in Him. Go to Him. Pray and don't worry. Fear spoken 365 times in the Bible... my Lord please give me the Divine Mercy to understand those around me and forgive them and to be able to do good unto others with the Holy Spirit in my heart.
I hope to continue to share during these next few months my journey again... taking little baby steps.
|Sundown @ Sanibel Island - An Ibis grazing for food in the low tides of Tarpon Beach.|